Childhood Wounds: How They Impact Adult Relationships
When we hear the word wound, we often think of dramatic or traumatic experiences—domestic violence, abuse, or severe neglect. But in the realm of emotional health, wounds aren’t always caused by significant events. They can also arise from a child’s fundamental emotional needs being unmet over time—needs like love, safety, connection, and understanding.
These emotional wounds often develop quietly over days, months, or years. They might not appear significant at first, but if they don’t have the opportunity to heal, they stay open and painful—often surfacing in adulthood in ways we don’t immediately recognise.
What Do These Wounds Look Like?
Let’s say a child grows up in a household where conflict is common. When the child cries, instead of getting comfort, they are told to stop or are sent away. Over time, they learn that showing emotion isn’t safe. That their feelings are too much, or wrong, or unwelcome.
Fast-forward to adulthood: that same child might now find it hard to share how they feel with a partner. Not because they don’t care, but because they were never taught that emotional expression is valid, safe, or even acceptable.
How Childhood Wounds Affect Relationships
As a psychotherapist, I primarily work with couples. Often, they come to me feeling stuck, disconnected, or frustrated with their communication. On the surface, it might seem like they’re arguing over small things or can’t “talk properly.” But beneath those struggles, something deeper is going on.
What I’ve consistently noticed is that many couples carry unresolved childhood wounds into their relationships. These wounds often manifest as intense, automatic reactions—what some might call “triggers.” A minor disagreement can quickly escalate into a full-blown argument, with yelling, criticism, or one partner shutting down completely.
These reactions are not just about what’s happening now. They are the emotional echoes of pain from long ago. The result of this is that crucial conversations about needs and other important matters cannot be had, and the pile of unresolved issues continues to grow. Over time, these unmet needs—now as adults—can turn into resentment and frustration, causing the relationship to gradually break down. This is usually when they seek out couples therapy.
Why Communication Breaks Down
Couples often say, “We just don’t communicate well,” or “I try to tell them how I feel, but nothing changes.” What they don’t always realise is that the problem isn’t in their words—it’s in how they react.
When someone becomes defensive, shuts down, or lashes out, it’s often not about what their partner just said. It’s about how that moment feels—and how much it reminds them of an old emotional wound. These patterns worsen under stress, and soon, both partners find themselves trapped in a painful cycle.
The Path to Healing
The good news is: with the right therapy, wounds can heal. There are many therapies available, such as talk therapy (counselling) and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT). These therapies have their place therapeutically. I use a psychotherapy method called Rapid Core Healing RCH. This process is fast and effective. There is no need to revisit past stories or delve deeply into feelings. It’s a process that heals at the core, then integrates this part back into the client as a whole and healed, so it no longer needs to show up as a trigger. The next step may be to examine the patterns that have been created, which might still be causing issues, and to change them into something more positive once they are uncovered. Being self-aware of behaviours and emotions supports keeping on top of any patterns that may not be helpful.
Healing childhood wounds isn’t about blaming parents or reliving the past. It’s about healing them at the core and then understanding the residual patterns that are unhelpful, and then creating new, healthy ones.
If you’ve found yourself stuck in the same arguments or struggling to connect with your partner, it may be worth asking: “What is my wounding to resolve?” What am I reacting to? What am I protecting? Sometimes, the path to a better relationship starts by tending to the younger version of ourselves who never got what they needed.
Want to explore how childhood wounds might be affecting your relationship? Contact me to learn more about individual or couples therapy.
Diane Cassee
Psychotherapist
