“We Can’t Communicate”: The Real Reason Couples Seek Therapy
As a psychotherapist working with couples, one of the first questions I always ask in a session is: Why are you here? What’s not working for you in your relationship? Almost without fail, the response is, “We can’t communicate.”
While this may seem like the central issue for the couple, it’s rarely the true root of their struggle. Communication difficulties are often just a symptom—an outward expression of something deeper and frequently unresolved within each partner.
Understanding the Cycle of Conflict
When couples first come together, communication often feels effortless. There is a connection, curiosity, and a genuine desire to understand one another. But over time, as life adds stress—whether through work, parenting, financial strain, or unresolved trauma—underlying triggers begin to surface.
These triggers might manifest as:
- Defensiveness
- Angry outbursts
- Emotional shutdown
- Withdrawal or avoidance
- Feeling hurt or misunderstood
These reactions are not random; they are the result of past wounds or unresolved emotional pain. In moments of heightened stress, couples attempt to communicate—but they’re doing so from a dysregulated, emotionally reactive state. The result? Misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and entrenched conflict patterns.
Before effective communication can take place, these emotional triggers must be addressed. Once the emotional charge is lowered and the defences are softened, communication naturally improves. Often, what appears to be a communication problem disappears once the underlying emotional wounds have been addressed.
My Approach as a Psychotherapist
In our first session together, I focus on listening deeply to each partner as an individual. I aim to uncover what’s truly going on beneath the surface—not just within the relationship, but within each person’s emotional world.
With years of clinical experience and specialised training in modalities like Family Constellations and EMI (Emotional Mind Integration), I’m able to identify the core issues quickly and effectively. These are the deeper dynamics—family patterns, past traumas, or unresolved grief—that trigger defensiveness and block connection.
Depending on the couple’s needs, I may recommend individual sessions to help them process and clear these triggers. My approach is integrative and tailored, combining therapeutic modalities that allow us to work efficiently, often resolving core emotional issues within a couple of sessions.
Why It Works
I love this process because it works quickly and deeply. For many couples, long-term therapy isn’t always feasible, especially when stress has built up for years and the relationship feels like it’s hanging by a thread. This approach is both time-efficient and emotionally transformative.
That said, timing is essential. In some cases, couples wait too long. By the time they reach out, the emotional distance or resentment may feel insurmountable. That’s why I encourage couples to seek help as soon as they notice recurring patterns of disconnection, particularly when they think they’re no longer being heard or understood.
A Gentle Invitation
If you and your partner are struggling to communicate, feeling emotionally distant, or caught in repeating cycles of hurt, I encourage you to look a little deeper. Communication may seem like the problem, but often it’s something more fundamental—and healing that can change everything.
You deserve to feel seen, heard, and understood in your relationship. Therapy can help you find your way back to that place.
With Love
Diane
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