Today I want to talk about, why there is so much pain after separation and how this can with time and knowledge begin to heal. When two people go through a Separation of a marriage/relationship, they begin to feel the effect of grief within the five stages, Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and finally and thankfully, Acceptance. This can be a scary time for most of us because these feelings are powerful and the majority of people haven’t felt them before and the unknown can be frightening, and questions such as, “how long will this last for “?, “will this feeling get worse”? “What if I can’t cope” “will I ever establish peace again”? Will start to be asked, possibly causing further stress.
What can cause grief?
The feelings of grief are present because when a couple have separated they have lost something that they were once connected to and possibly loved very much and with a separation of a couple the loss can also involve the loss of the home, children, financial situation and friendships, so there is much to consider and to be affected, there are lots of layers of loss in a separation.
Just as surgery is required to heal the physical body moving, through grief is needed to heal the emotional body. Unfortunately, it’s a process that cannot be avoided, so the sooner its allowed to be felt the sooner it can leave and you can create a new, different life. The deeper you loved and the more time spent in the relationship the greater the pain, it shows how much you loved the other, and the life you have had together and all that was created because of your union. Some people become stuck in one of the stages usually anger, depression or denial they are not allowing their body to finish a natural process they are holding onto the pain and they can then become stuck.
How to get through a divorce
I have been through a separation after being a couple for 28 years, and it was a difficult journey, the pain was uncomfortable to move through I loved my ex-husband and the life we created together very much. We shared the most amazing times together, created four children and a beautiful life, the end of our time together was not too great and in essence our marriage our time together died, and I use the word journey because that’s what it was moving through all the stages of grief and in no particular order but what I made sure of is that I kept doing was moving forward. It was as though I was walking on a narrow path in a deep forest and I could see the sun peeping through at the edge of the forest and that’s where I knew I needed to be heading, one step at a time I moved. I am now well and truly through the forest and standing in the sunlight and it feels wonderful, and the future is hopeful, there are still dark clouds covering the sunlight from time to time but that never lasts for too long.
My experience with pain is that if I allow it to be, give it the time it needs to be felt, and then it will leave. Individual counselling can support someone who is struggling after a separation. Diane x