In episode 7 of the Transforming Relationships podcast, Diane Rooker tackles the last of the Five Pillars of a strong relationship: Goals and Direction. Diane explains that without goals and direction in a relationship, it quickly grows stale and couples can drift apart. So, find out why goals and direction matter and how you can make them one of the five pillars of your relationship.
Podcast 7
Pillar 5 – Goals & Direction in Relationships
In the previous episode, we examined Pillar 4: Compromise and Change. This is the 7th episode on the 5th Pillar on Goals & Direction.
Goals are ideas and desires that can be achieved by planning and taking action. Taking action is important.
Being clear on what, how, when, where, and so on is also important. Once this is clear, the plan can be implemented, and over time, the goal can be achieved. We all feel a sense of satisfaction when this occurs.
New Relationships vs Long-Term Relationships
When a couple first begins their relationship, they have many common goals. Goals are easy to set when the relationship is new and exciting, as the couple does nearly everything together. They plan holidays, dinners out, and eventually make plans to live together, among other things. This suggests that the couple can set and achieve goals.
As time goes by life gets a little more serious, and the couple begins to spend less time together, being a part of life catches up with them and other things become more of a priority, if they don’t have a clear direction as to where the relationship is going (and let’s face it the majority of new couples don’t talk about their relationship in a way that would create a deeper level of understanding of each others needs as the relationship begins to progress.)
Topics that are uncomfortable to discuss are often pushed aside because the declaration of feelings could lead to a possible confrontation between the couple, so the attitude of “don’t rock the boat if we don’t need to” can be applied. These topics…. even though they are not communicated at the time are still present because they have not been addressed and will sit between the couple keeping them further apart.
The result of this is that one or both partners can become unhappy because their needs are not being met within the relationship, and this could be as simple as having fun, laughing together, or simply organising quality time together. Although these may seem like minor issues, if not discussed, they can have a snowball effect on the relationship and develop into something that gets in the way of the couple, pushing them further apart. Communication is always the best way to go regardless of how uncomfortable it can be, practice makes progress.
The Importance of Having Goals in a Relationship
Having Goals to strive for are very beneficial for couples…. For many reasons, here are a few;
- They can support the couple in feeling secure and happy within their relationship; they are on the same team, not doing it alone.
- There is a plan in place, and men, in particular, feel more comfortable knowing that there is a plan to follow.
- The couple can feel satisfied knowing that there is something to look forward to, something they are working towards together, and that there will be a reward for all the sacrifices they are making while pursuing their goal. There is a purpose to their life together.
- Needs will be met – needs are important too. Goals ensure you get your needs met.
- They share a common purpose, which fosters an even stronger connection between the couple. A couple who strive for the same things often have direction in their lives, which can also contribute to the feeling of belonging and worthiness. The opposite can be feeling loneliness and isolation. If you are feeling lonely and on your own in your relationship at this time, maybe take some time and think about what, or if any goals you and your partner are working towards together, maybe you have never discussed this as an option in your relationship and if this is the case then this podcast could be life-changing for your relationship.
As human beings, every behaviour is an attempt to get our needs met, and goals are part of those needs. The most significant cause of couples’ unhappiness is that they are not getting their needs met.
Are you beginning to understand just how important it is to have goals in a relationship? Goals help the couple to stay on the same path and walk in the same direction.
Types of Goals for a Couple
There are so many parts to a relationship, which also include our personal needs as individuals, so I will break them up for you and we can have a look at them in a little more detail.
1. Relationship Goals:
These are about the couple, they can be a little more personal, each couple will have goals that are unique to them only because their relationship is unique, no two are alike, and there are no right or wrong goals as long as you both agree to the goals or at least have made a mutually satisfying compromise.
Here are a few examples of relationship goals;
- To be vulnerable
- To improve how to communicate more effectively
- Make the relationship a priority
- To align core values and beliefs
- Know what your partner’s love language is
- Make regular time to talk about your relationship, what’s working well, and what’s not.
- To be open and honest with our feelings
- Have fun times together
- Long-term and short-term goals
- In the short term, it could be to have a regular date night, and Friday night is family pizza night. Go for a drive out of town on a regular basis.
- Longer-term goals could be to save for more expensive items, such as a caravan or a holiday. They can be as big as your imagination allows them to be.
2. Personal Goals
Having personal Individual goals is also very important. It’s important not to lose yourself in the relationship, knowing what you need, such as hobbies. By achieving your personal goals, you will become a happier person, which in turn means a happier partner and parent. You can bring this back into the relationship by sharing something new with your partner.
These goals can be;
- Exercise
- Career,
- Creativity,
- Personal development,
- Being more self-aware,
- Learning to control emotions,
- Seeing friends more
What is good for one person will not necessarily be good for another. These are individual goals.
Results of Having No Direction in a Relationship
Can you imagine if a couple had no goals at all, floundering through life, just like a fish on a jetty, allowing life to happen to them? There is a lot of action happening, but it’s wasted energy. Life can then seem unfulfilling, and this may evoke emotions such as anger, frustration, resentment, and hopelessness, which can hurt the couple.
When a couple begins to have a family, they can start to lose sight of their partnership and focus more on the children, which is essential at the time. But there is a time to come back again as a couple. That usually begins to happen when the youngest has turned two. Before that age, the infant does require the mother’s attention. Things have changed significantly, and there are now more babies in childcare than ever before. As a result, the couple may face feelings of guilt and, consequently, focus more of their efforts on the children than on their partnership. Anyway, that’s an entirely different podcast…..
The main message I would like to convey is that the partnership came before parenting, and there needs to be a time to reconnect as a couple.
And this comes back to prioritising the relationship, and to do this, the couple needs to be self-aware and have an awareness of how the relationship is progressing. Most couples that I see come at a time in their relationship where they are walking not only on eggshells but also on separate paths, and these paths are moving further and further away from each other. I’m sure that a few of you can relate to that, and to change this, the couple needs to make plans to move closer in alignment with each other once again.
How to Mention This to Your Partner
If you want to set more goals and move in the same direction with your partner, then it’s time to have a conversation together. The best way to approach this is to communicate effectively. This and this may sound something like this.
“ Hey, I would love to have goals that we are working towards together. What do you think? “
That was easy. When you ask What do you think? You are saying you value their opinion and show respect for their thoughts.
You could also mention that you would like to be more connected with them and work as a team. One way to achieve this is by setting a couple of goals. What do you think? It’s always good to provide context, such as why you would like to have this, as this makes the request clearer, and fewer assumptions can be made to fill the unspoken gaps.
How Not to Approach Your Partner
“ We do not do anything together”, or “You never have time for me”
That won’t be well received, and you won’t get a good result. Share with your partner the different types of goals that exist, and perhaps come up with a list together; then, compromise on the order to place the goals in. This conversation presents an excellent opportunity to apply the communication skills you developed in my previous podcast.
A little tip here,… which is a bit random but good to know is…. that when a woman makes a statement such as “ I would like a new kitchen” the man usually thinks she means it to happen ASAP and he may get a little overwhelmed at the thought and becomes a little emotional which could be anger, frustration etc and could lead to words being said that can not be taken back. Maybe say something like, “One day, it will be nice to have a new kitchen.
Time to be Practical
Having a goal is great and the process of achieving this goal needs to be realistic, and what I mean by this is….. we need to know how we are going to achieve this goal. Firstly, understanding what exactly it is that we want to achieve and how we are going to do this, the clearer you are, the more achievable it becomes.
Example of an unclear goal
Let’s set a goal to visit Europe, but there is no clarity on where, when, or how. No plans have been made to determine what we will see or do; the only goal that has been set is to visit Europe one day. Do you think this goal will be achieved? Do you think this goal will excite the couple? I think this type of planning would be the source of frustration because it can be a confusing goal, as it is so unclear.
Having a clear goal
We are going to Europe in September 2025 for six weeks; we will be spending five days in Italy. We will be staying in three different parts of Italy, and then we are off to France for two weeks, where we will be seeing various sights.
Now, this level of clarity becomes exciting because we can visualise these places, making them feel very real. Once again, you need to use your communication skills to negotiate the details, such as the how, when, and what, but I’m sure you will be fine.
I hope you have enjoyed this podcast on Goals and Direction and have taken away a few pearls of wisdom that can be applied in your relationship.
Being in a happy and satisfying relationship does require effort and commitment. Stay awake in your relationship, be present to what your needs are, and share them with your partner.
Dare to dream your wildest dreams and make them a reality; This is your life, make it a masterpiece.
Thank you for listening
My podcast is called Transform Relationships. If you want more help with goals and direction in relationships, contact me or find out more about my online and in-person relationship counselling
