What are the five pillars to a happy and satisfying relationship – and why they are important for all couples? In episode 2 of the Transform Relationships Podcast, I will introduce each pillar and give an overview of why they are the foundations for a good relationship. So tune in to Transform Relationships.
Podcast 2
What are the Five Pillars, of a Happy and Satisfying Relationship
Why They are Important for all Couples?
I created the five pillars based on my work with hundreds of couples. They are the pillars that can hold the relationship strong and steady when applied correctly. I provide the theory and show you how to apply them and it is then over to you to apply this knowledge into practice.
This Is why my marriage package option is so effective It gives you the opportunity to practice these skills and then we regroup and see how things are traveling.
There is so much to learn about relationships and it’s a step-by-step process, slow and steady always.
The five pillars to support a happy & satisfying relationship are
- Effective Communication
- Responsibility
- Acceptance and Understanding
- Compromise and Change
- Common Goals and Direction
As a couple, you may be applying one or two of the pillars or you could be rocking it and be applying all five of them – or at least have the awareness of them. If that’s you, well done!
You can take from this podcast what you want and need and leave the rest. Either way, I’m sure you will enjoy hearing about the pillars.
When I share the pillars with my clients it’s not always in order of one to five. You can begin at any number depending on what your needs are.
1. Effective Communication
This is one of the main keys to having a happy relationship. You need this skill to be able to express correctly what your needs are.
And let’s face it every action, every behavior is to get a need met, regardless of what it is.
It’s important to know how to deliver a message and receive a message successfully and have a resolution without it turning into conflict.
One of the first questions I ask couples is
Why are you here?
What is not working for you?
What are you struggling with?
9 out of 10 couples tell me they can’t communicate.
Communication skills
- Active listening
- I _ messages
- Be concrete and clear
- Show empathy
- Non-verbal communication
You may not be aware of this, but as a human race, we are communicating less and less due to screens. People are already struggling to communicate and now it’s a point where it affects not only couples but also their children, often from a very young age.
Kids are spending way too much time on their screens. Parents are losing their kids to the screens, kids are not caring about what their parents ask of them. There is a lack of respect between kids and parents.
Imagine if they were taught how to communicate at school. It would be a very different world.
More on this Pillar in the next podcast.
2. Responsibility
Responsibility can be applied to many aspects of a relationship. It’s being responsible for your own needs, your triggers, your negative behavior, and of course your partner’s needs.
When you make the commitment to be a couple there is a level of responsibility that comes along with that commitment.
Being able to take responsibility within a relationship is a sign of maturity. The willingness to be prepared to look more deeply into why you behave the way you do and to be able to understand and acknowledge when your behaviour has not been great says to your partner “ I am willing to change this for you because you are important to me. “.
There are two of you now not just one. Both of you must be satisfied in the relationship and satisfied that your needs are being met.
Some people believe that if their partner loves them then they should know what they need, and how they want to be loved, without having to be told. News alert people -we can’t read minds! If you want a hug just ask for one, for example.
3. Understanding & Acceptance
Acceptance is one of the Pillars of having a successful relationship. Accepting little quirks, differences, flaws, and personalities in ourselves and our partners is part of being in a relationship.
And to be able to accept we need to understand. This takes awareness dedication, and ultimately love and looks a bit like this:
- I’m prepared to listen to you
- To hear more about you
- To work with you as a team
- To understand you are also an individual
- You have your own beliefs and behaviours
If we can learn to understand and accept all the parts of not only our partner but of ourselves then we can have better quality relationships.
At times we find it difficult to accept someone’s behaviour as it doesn’t fit into how we see the world, or what our values are. We can learn to let this go.
Don’t sweat the small stuff and just enjoy who you are, and remember you chose your partner at some point for who they were.
I do want to make it clear that if needs are not being met because of your partner’s behavior then this behaviour does need to be altered so you are both satisfied with the end result.
4. Compromise & Change
I have couples coming in and saying“This is who I was 20 years ago when we first met. You liked me then so I don’t see why I need to change.” Well, guess what? things change all the time and we need to be able to flow with them so we don’t become stuck and rigid. Fluidity in a relationship is crucial.
We don’t need to change the core essence of who we are, it’s just the behaviours that are blocking your partner from having their needs met.
For example, before you had children, you came home from work when you felt like it. Then comes a baby, your partner needs help and expresses that they would like you to come home earlier if possible. Now imagine saying “Nope this is what I did when we first met and I’m not changing my ways”.
You can see how this will cause a huge disconnect between the couple.
Being in a relationship means that compromise is necessary, it’s a negotiation and the end result is that you are both happy.
You won’t get your way completely but enough to have your needs satisfied.
Benefits of compromise
- Both parties feel satisfied with the result
- Feelings of being important and validated in the relationship
- Problems can be resolved, by stopping the dysfunctional cycle of confrontation on the same subject.
- Both couples feel a greater connection.
5. Common Goals & Direction
Why are goals important? Because if you did make a plan about what you want then how are you going to achieve it?
Let’s look at why having common goals are very important in a relationship. When a couple first begins their relationship, they have many common goals. They do nearly everything together; they plan holidays, dinners out, buy a house, etc. Then life gets in the way, they start to spend less time together and don’t have a clear direction as to where the relationship is going.
They become unhappy, and lonely, not getting the needs met that are required within a relationship, and this could be as simple as having fun, and laughing together.
Having common goals helps to keep a couple happy, connected, and satisfied with their relationship.
Common Goals
Relationship goals – what type of relationship do you want
Bigger long-term – goals such as a big purchase or OS trip.
Short-term goals – date nights, weekends away, seeing friends, exercising together
Personal Goals
Direction
What direction do we want our relationship and family to go in
What are our values, shall we create new ones
Make a road map that is uniquely for you as a couple
The clearer you both are about what direction you want your relationship to take, the more satisfied you will become because you will achieve what you set out to achieve.
Wandering around with a blindfold hoping that life will work out will only cause disappointment and a few injuries.
That’s it from me on the Five Pillars to a happy and satisfying relationship and I look forward to podcast number 3 Effective communication.
My podcast is called Transform Relationships. If you want more help with the Five Pillars of Relationships contact me or find out more about my online and in-person relationship counselling
