What are the five pillars to a happy and satisfying relationship, and why are they important for all couples? In episode 2 of the Transform Relationships Podcast, I will introduce each pillar and provide an overview of why they form the foundation for a good relationship. So tune in to Transform Relationships.
Podcast 2
What are the Five Pillars of a Happy and Satisfying Relationship
Why are they essential for all Couples?
I created the five pillars based on my work with hundreds of couples. They are the pillars that can hold the relationship strong and steady when applied correctly. I provide the theory and show you how to use it; it is then up to you to apply this knowledge in practice.
This is why my marriage package option is so effective. It allows you to practice these skills, and then we regroup and see how things are travelling.
There is so much to learn about relationships, and it’s a step-by-step process, slow and steady, always.
The five pillars to support a happy & satisfying relationship are
- Effective Communication
- Responsibility
- Acceptance and Understanding
- Compromise and Change
- Common Goals and Direction
As a couple, you may be applying one or two of the pillars, or you could be utilising all five of them, or at least be aware of them. If that’s you, well done!
You can take from this podcast what you need and leave the rest. Either way, I’m sure you will enjoy hearing about the pillars.
When I share the pillars with my clients, it’s not always in order of one to five. You can begin at any number, depending on your needs.
1. Effective Communication
This is one of the key factors in maintaining a happy relationship. You need this skill to express your needs accurately.
And let’s face it, every action, every behaviour is to get a need met, regardless of what it is.
It’s essential to know how to deliver a message and receive it successfully, and to have a resolution without it turning into conflict.
One of the first questions I ask couples is
Why are you here?
What is not working for you?
What are you struggling with?
9 out of 10 couples tell me they can’t communicate.
Communication skills
- Active listening
- I _ messages
- Be concrete and clear
- Show empathy
- Non-verbal communication
You may not be aware of this, but as a human race, we are communicating less and less due to the prevalence of screens. People are already struggling to speak, and now it’s a point where it affects not only couples but also their children, often from a very young age.
Kids are spending way too much time on their screens. Parents are losing their kids to the screens; kids are not caring about what their parents ask of them. There is a lack of respect between kids and parents.
Imagine if they were taught how to communicate at school. It would be a very different world.
More on this Pillar in the next podcast.
2. Responsibility
Responsibility can be applied to many aspects of a relationship. It’s being responsible for your own needs, your triggers, your negative behaviour, and of course, your partner’s needs.
When you commit to being a couple, a level of responsibility accompanies that commitment.
Taking responsibility within a relationship is a sign of maturity. The willingness to be prepared to look more deeply into why you behave the way you do and to be able to understand and acknowledge when your behaviour has not been great says to your partner, “ I am willing to change this for you because you are important to me. “.
There are now two of you, not just one. Both of you must be satisfied with the relationship and satisfied that your needs are being met.
Some people believe that if their partner loves them, they should intuitively know what they need and how they want to be loved, without needing to be told. News alert, people -we can’t read minds! If you want a hug, ask for one, for example.
3. Understanding & Acceptance
Acceptance is one of the Pillars of having a successful relationship. Accepting little quirks, differences, flaws, and personalities in ourselves and our partners is part of being in a relationship.
And to be able to accept, we need to understand. This takes awareness, dedication, and ultimately love and looks a bit like this:
- I’m prepared to listen to you
- To hear more about you
- To work with you as a team
- To understand that you are also an individual
- You have your own beliefs and behaviours
If we can learn to understand and accept all the parts of not only our partner but also ourselves, then we can have better-quality relationships.
At times, we find it difficult to accept someone’s behaviour as it doesn’t fit into how we see the world, or what our values are. We can learn to let go of this.
Don’t sweat the small stuff and enjoy who you are; remember that you chose your partner at some point for who they were.
I want to make it clear that if your needs are not being met due to your partner’s behaviour, then this behaviour needs to be altered so that you are both satisfied with the result.
4. Compromise & Change
I have couples coming in and saying, “This is who I was 20 years ago when we first met. You liked me then, so I don’t see why I need to change.” Well, guess what? Things change all the time, and we need to be able to flow with them so we don’t become stuck and rigid. Fluidity in a relationship is crucial.
We don’t need to change the essence of who we are; it’s just the behaviours that are blocking our partner from having their needs met.
For example, before you had children, you came home from work when you felt like it. Then comes a baby, and your partner needs help, expressing that they would like you to go home earlier if possible. Now imagine saying, “Nope, this is what I did when we first met, and I’m not changing my ways”.
You can see how this will cause a massive disconnect between the couple.
Being in a relationship means that compromise is necessary, it’s a negotiation, and the result is that you are both happy.
You won’t get your way completely, but enough to have your needs satisfied.
Benefits of compromise
- Both parties feel satisfied with the result
- Feelings of being essential and validated in the relationship
- Problems can be resolved by stopping the dysfunctional cycle of confrontation on the same subject.
- Both couples feel a greater connection.
5. Common Goals & Direction
Why are goals important? Because if you did make a plan about what you want, then how are you going to achieve it?
Let’s examine why having common goals is essential in a relationship. When a couple first begins their relationship, they have many common goals. They do nearly everything together; they plan holidays, go out for dinner, buy a house, and so on. Then life gets in the way, and they start to spend less time together, without a clear direction as to where the relationship is going.
They become unhappy and lonely, as their needs are not being met within the relationship, and this can be as simple as having fun and laughing together.
Having common goals helps to keep a couple happy, connected, and satisfied with their relationship.
Common Goals
Relationship goals – what type of relationship do you want
Bigger long-term goals, such as a major purchase or a trip to a foreign country.
Short-term goals – date nights, weekends away, seeing friends, exercising together
Personal Goals
Direction
What direction do we want our relationship and family to go in
What are our values? Shall we create new ones
Make a road map that is uniquely for you as a couple
The more precise you both are about what direction you want your relationship to take, the more satisfied you will become because you will achieve what you set out to achieve.
Wandering around with a blindfold, hoping that life will work out, will only cause disappointment and a few injuries.
That’s it from me on the Five Pillars to a happy and satisfying relationship. I look forward to podcast number 3, Effective Communication.
My podcast is called Transform Relationships. If you want more help with the Five Pillars of Relationships, contact me or find out more about my online and in-person relationship counselling
