What makes a couple walk on separate paths, and how do they unite again?
When a couple starts dating, they are usually on the same path. They are physically and emotionally connected, share similar interests, enjoy being together, and are in a state of love.
If it’s all that lovely, why do they begin walking a separate path? Nothing is what it used to be; they don’t talk anymore, there is no intimacy, or very little that is satisfying. They spend more time nagging and pointing out faults in each other, or they yell at each other. They have lost sight of who they are. They have gradually wandered apart and lost their way together as a couple. What started as a beautiful union has now turned into something uncomfortable, disconnected, unfulfilling and at times ugly.
Why does this happen?
Being in a relationship takes hard work and commitment; it will die if you don’t feed or care for it. Like running a business, you can’t expect to give it lots of love and attention for a short period and then think it will run itself. Life happens to us all: We meet the love of our lives, get married, buy a home, and have kids. Sound familiar? These are all things that can potentially cause stress between the couple, but why?
The biggest issue with relationships nowadays is a lack of communication on many levels. Communication is the foundation, the glue that holds a couple together. People are often unclear about how to express their needs, or they attempt to express them in a way that is not supportive.
- They can agree to things they don’t want, which builds resentment.
- There are no clear boundaries or expectations on how to live together.
- They take on too much debt, which can cause significant stress.
- They stop making time to be alone as a couple, as this time is now allocated elsewhere.
- They stop getting our own needs met; we lose our identity and who they once were, their \ values, and beliefs, if we are not living in alignment with our values then we can become stressed, and even angry, and people take it out on the other and that can be quite destructive.
People start to live as if they are on a hamster wheel, looking forward to doing the same thing repeatedly and feeling little happiness or connection. Couples often become lonely, frustrated, and sad, yet still struggle to find their way back on the same path.
So, how do we get back on track?
- Individual & couples Counselling will be a big help initially.
- Begin to become aware of your situation and environment; identify what is missing and make the necessary changes. Can you organise a date night? It can even be at home.
- Learn about the five love languages.
- Describe what you are missing and how you would like your relationship to be. Do this without blame, shame or name-calling. Remember, you initially cared for each other.
- Be kind to yourself and your partner; kindness is a free and abundant resource.
- Decide to let go of the past and start again. Holding onto past issues can build resentment and mistrust.
- Plan the year together, check in with each other, and give feedback, much like a performance appraisal at work. How would you like things to be different? What do you like?
The couple needs to have each other back; that is their job. They should remember that before they became parents, they were a couple first, so it’s always a partnership that precedes parenthood. After the child is two years old, that is, before that, the child will need the mother’s time and energy.
The majority of my work involves couples, and the issue of couples drifting apart is a prevalent concern between them. My advice is not to leave it until it’s too late. Once one of the couple has checked out of the relationship emotionally, it’s not long before they do so physically.
A lot of couples are in a dysfunctional relationship, and they dont communicate how they feel because they can’t. This is where counselling can be useful. I help clients leave past issues behind, teach them how to communicate effectively, and educate them with knowledge so they can live a happy life together. This enables the couple to communicate effectively, meet their needs, and understand each other, ultimately getting back on track. This usually takes about 4-5 sessions. Can you spare about 6 hours of your time to walk in the same direction back?
Doing things together in harmony allows the couple to relax, remain calm, develop higher self-esteem, feel happier, and experience better physical well-being. Meeting one’s needs has so many benefits.
