What Makes Couples Drift Apart & How To Come Back Together

by Diane Rooker


What makes a couple walk on separate paths and how to come together again?

When a couple initially starts to date, they are usually walking on the same path; they are connected physically, emotionally, enjoy the same things, they enjoy being together they are in a love bubble.

If it’s all that lovely, then why do they being to walk a separate path. Nothing is what it used to be; they don’t talk any more, there is no intimacy or very little that is not satisfying, they spend more time nagging and seeing the faults in the other, or they are yelling at each other. They have lost sight of who they are, they have totally wandered apart gradually and have lost their way together as a couple.  What started as a beautiful union, has now turned to something uncomfortable, disconnected, infulfilling and at times ugly.

Why does this happen?

Being in a relationship takes hard work and commitment; if you don’t feed it, care for it, it will die. Just the same as running a business you can’t expect to give it lots of love and attention for a short period then think it will run itself. Life happens to us all; we meet the love of our lives, get married buy a home and have kids, sound familiar? These are all things that can potentially cause stress between the couple, but why. ?

The biggest issue with relationships these days is a lack of communication on many levels, communication the foundation, the glue that holds a couple together. They are not clear on how to express their needs or they try it in a way that is not supportive.

  • They can agree to things they don’t want, and this builds resentment.
  • There are no clear boundaries or expectations on how to live together.
  • They take on to much debt, and this can cause stress.
  • They stop making time to be alone as a couple, as this time now gets placed everywhere else.
  • They stop getting our own needs met; we lose our identity and who they once were, their \ values, and beliefs, if we are not living in alignment with our values then we can become stressed, and even angry, and people take it out on the other and that can be quite destructive.

People start to live their lives as though they are on a mouse wheel, just looking forward doing the same thing over and over again and not feeling much happiness or connection. Couples become lonely, frustrated and sad, and they don’t know how to get back onto the same path still.

So how to get back on the same path.

  1. Individual & couples Counselling will be a big help initially.
  2. Start to become aware of your situation and your environment; look at what is missing and begin to change it. Can you organise a date night? It can even be at home.
  3. Learn about the five love languages
  4. Begin to communicate what you are missing and how you would like your relationship to be. Do this without blame, shame or name-calling, remember you cared for each other initially.
  5. Be kind to yourself and your partner, kindness is free, and there is an abundance available.
  6. Decide to put the past behind you and to start again. Holding onto past issues can build resentment and mistrust.
  7. Plan the year together,  check in with the other like a performance appraisal at work, give feedback, how would you like things to be different and what do you like?

The couple needs to have each other back that is their job and remembering that before they were parents, they were a couple first so its always partnership before parent-hood,  after the child is two years of age that is, before that the child will need the mothers time and energy.

The majority of my work is with couples, and couples drifting apart is a prevalent issue between them, my advice don’t leave it until it’s too late, once one of the couples has checked out of the relationship emotionally it’s not long before they do physically.

A lot of couples are in a dysfunctional relationship, and they dont communicate how they feel because they cant. This is where counselling can be useful. I help the clients to leave the past issues behind and teach them how to communicate and to educate them with knowledge, so they can live a happy life together giving the couple the ability to communicate effectively, to get needs met, to understand each other to be back on the same track again. And this usually takes about 4 – 5 sessions. Can you spare about 6 hours of your time to be walking in the same direction back?

Doing things together in harmony allows the couple to relax, to be calm, to have higher self-esteem, to feel happy, to feel physically well. There are so many benefits of getting your needs met.

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