This is Pillar 2 in a series of the 5 pillars to a happy and satisfying relationship about relationships & taking responsibility. In episode 4 of the Transform Relationships Podcast, I talk about the types of responsibilities required in a relationship, how they can be applied, and the benefits to the relationship when they are used.
Podcast 4
Pillar 2 – Responsibility in Relationships
Being responsible applies to so many aspects of a person’s life, such as a student, a parent, an employee, or an employer, but today I am going to talk about the responsibility that applies to you personally and your relationship as you can’t have one without the other.
Have you heard the saying
“ You are responsible for the energy you bring into the room “?
I love that and it’s so true
When anger appears within us it can affect how we treat our partner. We can be quick to react with a negative comment to our partner and this is NOT taking responsibility:
“ You made me angry “ or “ You upset me “ ‘ I wouldn’t have said that if you didn’t do ….”
No one can make you feel anything. If you are upset it’s because of what you’re attaching to the situation. It’s what you are thinking about that situation.
A saying that I often share with clients is “ No one can hurt me, that’s my job.” It’s what I am attaching to the comment or situation based on my past experience and my own perception.
Responsibility can be applied to many aspects of a relationship.
It’s being responsible for your own needs, knowing what they are, and knowing what your partner’s needs are too.
Many relationships break down as we don’t know our needs or our partner’s needs. In Maslows Hierarchy of Needs The most basic need is Air, Food, and Water. The highest is self-actulisation.
Let’s Take a Quick Look at 7 Relationship Needs
1. GROWTH
If we are not growing we are dying. The same applies to a relationship, it needs to be growing constantly to survive, to feel alive. When we grow personally then we can bring this into the relationship.
2. Certainty
In a relationship, we need to feel certain. We need to be able to trust and be vulnerable. This is especially important for women. We need to be certain that we can trust our partner in order to be vulnerable. We need to know that we can rely on our partner to have our back, to be invested and active within the relationship for the relationship.
3. Contribution
It’s our responsibility to contribute to our partner’s overall health, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically.
4. Importance
Feeling important and making your partner feel important is crucial to having a satisfying and happy relationship. When you know that you’re extremely important to each other, the relationship begins to blossom. We all need to feel important, and significant to the people we are closest to, especially our partners. This need is lacking in most relationships, I know as I hear it over and over again.
5. Variety
This is the spice of life, Bring new things into the relationship, new experiences, new foods, new places, new conversations, and hobbies. This need also helps the relationship to grow.
6. Love
First, we have a connection. his can happen within 5 minutes and this connection, whether it’s fast or develops slowly, is what is needed to fall in love. When in a relationship we need to be loved and to be able to express our love to the other. It”s a basic human need.
7. Intimacy
Intimacy is the state of having a close romantic relationship. Sex and romance are very important in a relationship. Without intimacy, there is a big piece missing and a couple will never feel whole, Without intimacy you’re living as flatmates. Find the little spark and nurture it. In most cases, it can be reignited.
Another responsibility is triggers and negative behavior – “Why is this happening to me? “ I can guess based on working with hundreds of clients that there have been unmet needs somewhere along the way and that the earlier part is still not resolved. When a person has become triggered they are having a negative reaction, and this response is subconscious which means that the individual usually has no idea why they are reacting this way or they don’t know where it’s coming from and have no idea how to stop it from happening. This is a triggering response because this disturbance usually comes from a past experience that could have occurred in childhood and has not been resolved. There is unfinished business. Another term used is “baggage”
Baggage comes from deep within the subconscious and it’s the individual’s responsibility to resolve this. The best and most effective way to do this is at a core level so the trigger can disappear and does not come between the couple as an ongoing problem any longer. I do this with my clients in an individual setting using either EMI or RCH. This is a fast and effective way to resolve this disturbance within the subconscious.
Whatever is left unresolved from childhood, or from previous relationships will show up again in your current relationship so it’s always best to resolve past issues and hurts before moving on to a new relationship without the excess baggage. Relationships can be complex enough without them.
Being responsible is not only for the things you do but also for things you don’t do, you see something that you know will help your partner, such as Perhaps your partner is running late and it’s their turn to cook. And your home and you have a thought that you could get dinner started – but you don’t. It’s those little moments of intuition, of kind thought, that make the difference in a relationship. If you don’t act on your thought then you may feel guilty. You may take it out on your partner because your guilt feels uncomfortable. This is too messy and leads to many issues. When you see an opportunity to make life easier or to show your partner that they are loved and cared for, just follow your instinct. It’s pretty simple really. It’s as simple as being kind.
Being able to take responsibility within a relationship is a sign of maturity and insightfulness. It’s a willingness to be prepared to look more deeply into why you behave the way you do and to be able to say “I understand that my behavior has not been great and I am willing to change it for our relationship.”. If your behaiour is affecting your partner in a negative way then this will flow onto the relationship in a negative way.
Benefits of Taking Responsibility
● Learn who you are, and what your needs are. The clearer you are the more you can share this with your partner with positive results
● Remove negative behaviours, feelings, and emotions that are not serving you.
● Encourages trust due to transparency.
● Learn more about your partner at a deeper level
● Feel in control of yourself
● Have clearer boundaries for you personally and the relationship.
● Higher self-esteem, because you feel good about yourself
I’m sure you can add more to the list, and if you don’t take responsibility this can lead to disconnection, sadness, and confusion, which are the opposite of all the benefits really. And if a
person is not willing to take responsibility then they don’t deserve the relationship because they are acting as though they are single.
I hope you agree that taking responsibility in a relationship is extremely important.
My podcast is called Transform Relationships. If you want more help with responsibility in relationships contact me or find out more about my online and in-person relationship counselling
