This is Pillar 2 in a series of the 5 pillars to a happy and satisfying relationship about relationships & taking responsibility. In episode 4 of the Transform Relationships Podcast, I talk about the types of responsibilities required in a relationship, how they can be applied, and the benefits to the relationship when they are used.
Podcast 4
Pillar 2 – Responsibility in Relationships
Being responsible applies to many aspects of a person’s life, such as being a student, a parent, an employee, or an employer. However, today I am going to discuss the responsibility that is personal and integral to your relationship, as you can’t have one without the other.
Have you heard the saying
“ You are responsible for the energy you bring into the room “?
I love that, and it’s so true.
When anger arises within us, it can influence how we interact with our partner. We can be quick to react with a negative comment to our partner, and this is NOT taking responsibility:
“ You made me angry “ or “ You upset me “I wouldn’t have said that if you didn’t do…”
No one can make you feel anything. If you are upset, it’s because of what you’re attaching to the situation. It’s what you are thinking about that situation.
A saying that I often share with clients is “ No one can hurt me, that’s my job.” It’s what I am attaching to the comment or situation based on my experience and my perception.
Responsibility can be applied to many aspects of a relationship.
It’s being responsible for your own needs, knowing what they are, and knowing what your partner’s needs are, too.
Many relationships break down because we don’t understand our own needs or those of our partner. In Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, the most basic needs are Air, Food, and Water. The highest is self-actualisation.
Let’s Take a Quick Look at 7 Relationship Needs
1. Growth
If we are not growing, we are dying. The same applies to a relationship; it needs to be growing constantly to survive, to feel alive. As we grow personally, we can bring this growth into our relationships.
2. Certainty
In a relationship, we need to feel certain. We need to be able to trust and be vulnerable. This is especially important for women. We need to be sure that we can trust our partner to be vulnerable. We need to know that we can rely on our partner to have our back, to be invested and active in the relationship.
3. Contribution
It’s our responsibility to contribute to our partner’s overall health, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically.
4. Priorotise the Relationship
Feeling important and making your partner feel important is crucial to having a satisfying and happy relationship. When you know that you’re extremely important to each other, the relationship begins to blossom. We all need to feel significant to the people we are closest to, especially our partners. This need is lacking in most relationships, I know, as I hear it over and over again.
5. Variety
This is the spice of life: bringing new things into the relationship, such as new experiences, foods, places, conversations, and hobbies. This need also helps the relationship to grow.
6. Love
First, we have a connection. This can happen within 5 minutes, and this connection, whether it’s fast or develops slowly, is what is needed to fall in love. When in a relationship, we need to feel loved and be able to express our love to our partner. It’s a basic human need.
7. Intimacy
Intimacy refers to the state of having a close, romantic relationship. Sex and romance are very important in a relationship. Without intimacy, a significant piece is missing, and a couple will never feel whole. Without intimacy, you’re living as flatmates. Find the little spark and nurture it. In most cases, it can be reignited.
Another responsibility is triggers and negative behaviour – “Why is this happening to me? “ I can guess based on working with hundreds of clients that there have been unmet needs somewhere along the way and that the earlier part is still not resolved. When a person becomes triggered, they experience a negative reaction, and this response is subconscious. This means that the individual usually has no idea why they are reacting this way, or they don’t know where it’s coming from and have no idea how to stop it from happening. This is a triggering response because the disturbance typically originates from an experience that may have occurred in childhood and has not been resolved. There is unfinished business. Another term used is “baggage”
Baggage comes from deep within the subconscious, and it’s the individual’s responsibility to resolve this. The most effective way to do this is at a core level so that the trigger can disappear and no longer come between the couple as an ongoing problem. I do this with my clients in an individual setting using either EMI or RCH. This is a fast and effective way to resolve this disturbance within the subconscious.
Whatever is left unresolved from childhood or previous relationships will resurface in your current relationship, so it’s always best to resolve past issues and hurts before moving on to a new relationship without the excess baggage. Relationships can be complex enough without them.
Being responsible is not only about the things you do, but also about the things you don’t do. For instance, if you see something that you know will help your partner, such as your partner being late, and it’s their turn to cook. And your home, and you have a thought that you could start dinner, but you don’t. It’s those little moments of intuition, of kind thought, that make the difference in a relationship. If you don’t act on your thought, then you may feel guilty. You may take it out on your partner because your guilt feels uncomfortable. This is too messy and leads to many issues. When you see an opportunity to make life easier or to show your partner that they are loved and cared for, follow your instinct. It’s pretty simple. It’s as simple as being kind.
Being able to take responsibility within a relationship is a sign of maturity and insightfulness. It’s a willingness to be prepared to look more deeply into why you behave the way you do and to be able to say, “I understand that my behaviour has not been great and I am willing to change it for our relationship.”. If your behaviour is affecting your partner negatively, then this will negatively impact the relationship.
Benefits of Taking Responsibility
● Learn who you are and what your needs are. The clearer you are, the more you can share this with your partner with positive results
● Remove negative behaviours, feelings, and emotions that are not serving you.
● Encourages trust due to transparency.
● Learn more about your partner at a deeper level
● Feel in control of yourself
● Establish more precise boundaries for yourself and the relationship.
● Higher self-esteem, because you feel good about yourself
I’m sure you can add more to the list, and if you don’t take responsibility, this can lead to disconnection, sadness, and confusion, which are the opposite of all the benefits. And if a
person is not willing to take responsibility, then they don’t deserve the relationship because they are acting as though they are single.
I hope you agree that taking responsibility in a relationship is extremely important.
My podcast is called Transform Relationships. If you want more help with responsibility in relationships, contact me or find out more about my online and in-person relationship counselling
