How to Create Healthy Patterns in Relationships
I want to examine how unhealthy patterns play havoc for couples in their relationship and how new healthy ones can be created through couples’ counselling. Every couple I see is unique and has their own unique experiences and patterns. However, there is a common thread that connects the majority of couples regardless of their circumstance. After working with hundreds of couples, I noticed a similar sequence occurring. Even though all couples are unique, their current situations are very similar when they come to me. There is a step-by-step process I apply when working with my couples. Each couple’s issues are still treated uniquely whilst working through the process.
Have you heard the saying, “People are their patterns?” This is true for individuals as well as within a relationship. Couples who repeat the same pattern repeatedly can be destructive and somewhat frustrating.
Our Neural pathways
When humans repeat behaviour, a strong muscle for that behaviour is a neural pathway. Neural pathways are imperative for all individuals to perform daily tasks without too much effort. An example of this can be taken back to when a human is born. This baby depends on getting all of its needs met by someone else. The majority of the time, this will be the parent’s role. A baby cannot feed or dress itself; it can’t walk or talk, but over time, repeating the same behaviours or actions develops the neural pathway for this particular action, and soon enough, no thought needs to go into this action again.
Observe how many things you do throughout your day without thinking about how to do them. They’re done automatically or unconsciously because the neural pathways for these actions are fully formed. This is why people with brain injuries may need to learn these actions repeatedly.
Why Couples can’t stop Patterns within the Relationship?
Patterns of behaviour run at a subconscious level, which means we usually have no awareness of why we do what we do. The subconscious is like a person’s control centre; it controls nearly everything, and its job is to keep the person safe. Some patterns, reactions, triggers, etc., may have been required at some point in life, but we can outgrow them. However, the subconscious still reacts for a time when a person is very young.
These patterns could have begun from conception, within the system, or from the family or origin. I work with a modality called Family Constellations to resolve these issues, heal what is needed from the roots, and restore love flow.
It can be pretty tricky, as various new actions and tools must be applied to help couples not only rid themselves of the old patterns but also create new, healthy ones, new behaviours that they would like to achieve.
When entering a relationship, many anomalies come into play: cultures, past experiences, how they were parented, sexes, and love languages. There is so much involved within and between a couple that has the potential to affect their relationship; it’s no wonder when people run into stressful situations, it’s challenging to manage things. Many couples begin to notice issues arise when there is more stress in their lives, and one of the significant stressors is starting a family. Once again, there are so many changes that occur: hormones, lack of sleep, and parenting styles, all of which can cause the couple to disconnect. Stressors can cause people to change, and we need to learn to adapt to these daily changes.
Couples Counselling is an excellent resource for supporting all relationships. You can also listen to or read the Transform Relationships podcast.
