This is the 3rd Pillar in my 5 Pillars series, How to have a satisfying and happy relationship with your partner. In episode 5 of the Transform Relationships Podcast, I discuss why understanding and acceptance are essential and the tools required to implement these skills and knowledge in your relationship today. We also examine the benefits of doing so.
Podcast 5
Pillar 3 – Understanding & Acceptance in Relationships
In this podcast, I will share with you the 3rd pillar to having a satisfying and happy relationship: understanding and acceptance.
We will look at;
1. The importance of nurturing understanding and acceptance in a relationship
2. The reasons why we have our unique ideas and how they can affect the relationship.
3. The benefits that understanding and acceptance can bring to a relationship
Understanding is crucial as it fosters acceptance within the relationship. But we can still be accepting without understanding. Let’s face it, we are not always going to understand certain aspects of our partner, and that’s fine; however, we can still be accepting without fully understanding.
Having understanding helps us to accept the little quirks, differences, and different personalities in ourselves and our partners. It’s saying I take you as you are, warts and all, including your dysfunctional family if you have one, and I accept all of me as well. I will work on the parts that are affecting your needs, and we can compromise so that we are both satisfied with the outcome.
There are many different cultures and diverse groups of people living all around us, which helps to create a colourful world. We would need to be open to and have the willingness to jump into someone else’s reality, walk in their shoes with an open mind, and hear about their food, upbringing, and traditions. Imagine what these interesting conversations could lead to, as well as a deeper level of understanding and acceptance, which helps to create an environment for positive change if required.
The same approach can be applied to everyone else, but we are all different.
Let’s look at
The reasons we have our unique ideas and how they can affect the relationship
All of our past experiences, stemming from birth, help to create and mould the people we are today. We are a product of our past, and it determines how we make meaning, why we behave in specific ways, and how we think about our world, including our values and beliefs, as well as what we perceive to be our reality.
Do you realise we are all meaning-making machines? Whenever we walk into a new environment, we are observant, checking out other people and the situations. This way of being in these situations helps us grow. It keeps us safe, etc, it’s something our bodies do automatically in a new environment or situation. It’s a good thing and is needed for survival. But two people walking into the same space will more than likely make different meanings of the same thing, because of their various past experiences, so you can see how two people cannot be the same.
When observing our partners, we can view them through our lens, which is shaped by our perceptions developed based on our previous experiences, and these perceptions can determine how we see the world. We can become confused about how our partner can think that way. It doesn’t make sense, as it’s completely different from the way you think. This can lead to showing your partner frustration about their behavior, we may say “You are wrong” or you have no idea what you are talking about, etc. We can look at them through a biased lens that is our own.
Could you imagine being in a relationship with someone for 20 years and only looking at them through what you perceive to be true, your reality? Imagine what it would be like if your partner truly understood you for who you are, why you think the way you do, and why you behave the way you do. They would have the ability and desire to listen to and hear your experiences, seeing who you are and understanding that we are not all the same. Grey is boring. We have imperfections, and we can all embrace all our differences if we choose to. How amazing would it feel if your partner looked at you and understood who you are, or at least was open to that idea? Being able to accept what you imagine to be your partner’s imperfections as well as their positive qualities, which make up the whole of who they are, is essential. It’s about embracing them as they are, accepting all of them. It’s very easy to focus on or mention the negatives, but it seems to be a little more challenging to highlight the positives. I say to my clients to be curious about their partner.
I was in a relationship with someone for 27 years, and it’s easy to assume that I was thinking a certain way based on his perception alone. He was convinced of it. I felt frustrated, invalidated, unheard, and disrespected, and after some time, I felt a feeling of hopelessness of ever being truly heard. This meant that being understood was definitely out of the picture because, no matter how many different ways I tried to say the same thing, my truth was never his reality. And in his eyes, it wasn’t true for him, so basically, I felt like I was being called a liar. Be true to yourself and always speak your truth.
This was my experience, and I see this happening with nearly every couple I encounter, so I understand the importance of accepting others’ opinions, whether you feel they’re right or wrong; it’s still their truth.
It’s a respectful act to acknowledge that your partner has their own opinion, their own beliefs, and their ideas, and that’s okay because it makes up who they are. And that is because of those differences, which create a deeper level of IN-TO-ME-SEE within the relationship.
I encourage you if in the future your partner does have an opinion that’s different from yours or shares something about themselves, showing what you perceive as inappropriate, take down your lens…. be aware of your perception and listen to what they are saying, you’ll find out who they are at a deeper level, what they like, it’s wonderful to be seen and accepted by your intimate partner. Before you were a couple, you were individuals who came together, and both individuals have unique behaviours that may interfere with each other. It’s okay not to change those behaviours if they don’t get in the way of the other partner’s needs.
Respectfulness, maturity, patience, and kindness are essential qualities that enable one to show acceptance to others. We may not like it, but when we love our partner, we can accept all of them as we would appreciate being accepted ourselves.
Benefits of Understanding & Acceptance in Relationships
● Autonomy within the relationship
● More clarity with less conflict
● Happier and more satisfied when being heard and acknowledged
● Accepted for who you are, and that feels awesome.
● Feelings of being important to your partner
● Learn who your partner is
● Embrace differences
● Develops deeper connection and intimacy
Healthy and satisfying relationships take hard work. There are many skills and pieces of knowledge required to understand yourself and your partner, but when you do, it can be magical; however, don’t become complacent. Your relationship needs to take priority and be at the forefront of your mind on a regular basis.
I love the saying listen to understand, not to respond. And be curious, ask open-ended questions.
How to Listen
Be present and engage all of your senses. Ask open-ended questions.
Eye contact is essential. What do you notice about them? Are they distressed, or are they happy? What feelings do you see? Look at their body language: are they relaxed and comfortable? Notice if they are talking at a faster pace than usual, which usually means they are distressed. What do you notice?
Coming from a space of kindness and care and wanting to understand their point of view, doesn’t mean you need to agree with them, but that is not the time to mention that you will have your time later. The important thing is acknowledging them.
Many things can occur when someone is given the chance to talk, really talk, at a deep level without being interrupted or told they are wrong.
They feel validated, and it’s an opportunity to get out what may have been there for some time in a safe space.
My podcast is called Transform Relationships. If you want more help with understanding and acceptance in relationships, contact me or find out more about my online and in-person relationship counselling
Listen to Podcast 5 below – Pillar 3 – Understanding & Acceptance
