Today, I want to discuss why there is often so much pain after separation and how this can begin to heal over time with the proper knowledge. When two people go through a separation of a marriage or relationship, they begin to feel the effect of grief within the five stages – Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and finally and thankfully, Acceptance. This can be scary for most of us because these feelings are powerful. Most people haven’t felt them before, and the unknown can be frightening. Questions will arise, such as “How long will this last? “Will this feeling get worse?” “What if I can’t cope?” “Will I ever establish peace again?” This question may cause further stress.
What can cause grief?
The feelings of grief are present because when a couple have separated, they have lost something that they were once connected to and possibly loved very much. The loss can also involve the loss of one’s home, children, financial situation, and friendships, so there is much to consider and be affected by. There are numerous layers of loss associated with separation.
Just as surgery is required to heal the physical body, moving and grief are needed to heal the emotional body. Unfortunately, it’s a process that cannot be avoided, so the sooner it’s acknowledged, the sooner it can be left behind, and you can create a new, different life. The deeper you loved and the more time you spent in the relationship, the greater the pain. It shows how much you loved each other, and the life you shared, and all that was created because of your union. Some people become stuck in one of the stages, usually anger, depression or denial. They are not allowing their body to finish a natural process. They are holding onto the pain, and they can then become stuck.
How to get through a divorce
I have been through a separation after being a couple for 29 years, and it was an arduous journey; the pain was uncomfortable to move through. I loved my ex-husband and the life we created together very much. We shared some of the most amazing times and made four children and a beautiful life; however, the end of our time together was not as great, and in essence, our marriage and our time together came to an end. I use the word journey because that’s what it was like moving through all the stages of grief and in no particular order, but what I made sure of is that I kept moving forward. It was as though I was walking on a narrow path in a deep forest, and I could see the sun peeping through at the edge of the forest. That’s where I knew I needed to be heading. One step at a time, I moved. I am now well and truly through the forest, standing in the sunlight, and it feels terrific. The future is hopeful; there are still dark clouds covering the sunlight from time to time, but they never last for too long.
My experience with pain is that if I allow it to be, give it the time it needs to be felt, and then it will leave.
Moving toward greatness requires the willingness to feel and observe all feelings, to get curious, but not to attach to or follow them in catastrophic or unrealistic thinking. Notice what you are feeling, and then it will leave you to move on.
Individual counselling can support someone who is struggling after a separation. Diane x
