In episode 6 of the Transform Relationships Podcast, Diane Rooker talks about Pillar 4 of building a lasting relationship: Compromise and Change. Diane looks at why compromise and change can seem difficult and even impossible but explains how this mindset can be overcome to help your relationship thrive.
Podcast 6
Pillar 4 – Compromise & Change in Relationships
In the last episode, we examined Pillar number 3, which involves understanding and acceptance, and how it is applied within a relationship. I hope you enjoyed it.
I’ve created five pillars to having a happier and more satisfying relationship. The Pillars are the product of working with hundreds of couples, and I hope that you can pick up a few or many little pearls of wisdom that may support you in your relationship today and well into the future.
The Pillars are: 1. Effective communication, 2. Responsibility, 3. Understanding and acceptance, 4. Compromise and change, and 5. Goals and Direction
When working with my clients, I need to be fluid and adaptable to their unique needs and requirements, as we are all different. At times, I may suggest books that could help them in their current situation or provide them with valuable tools, such as effective communication skills. I believe that Knowledge is gold, and the more you understand about yourself and your partner, the better the relationship can be – not just to survive, but to flourish. “It is easy when you know how. It’s as simple as learning to ride a bike: practice and effort in relationships equal making progress. I often refer to a metaphor about relationships and that is to see your relationship like a lush and colorful garden….. if you care for it and make an effort it has the potential to flourish.
Okay, let’s get into talking about
The 4th Pillar Compromise & Change
In all relationships….. being able and willing to compromise and change is a major component needed to support needs being met…. as well as being able to effectively find solutions which then results in you both being equally as happy as each other. No one needs to lose when a compromise is made well. No one gets what they want 100% of the time. It’s about making sure you are satisfied with the compromise, because then you will be happy to move forward with the solution and not become resentful.
People can become stubborn and rigid when the idea of compromise and change is introduced, and they may react by saying.
No “I’m not going to do that “ or “This is who I was when we met, so why do I need to change now. This may sound like a fair question, and my response to this is that you are not the same person you were when you met; we all change every day, and the relationship then needs to adapt alongside personal growth.
It’s not about changing the essence of who you are….. It’s about evolving certain behaviours that may be affecting your partner. I will discuss this in more detail later in this podcast. Having an attitude of wanting to be more understanding…. and showing a healthy curiosity for your partner can have a happier and more satisfied result.
Let’s look at
Why is There a Requirement to Compromise in a Relationship?
A compromise is a negotiation between two parties; it may mean that you need to give up something for both of you to be happy. Consider how you might communicate with your children or friends when a decision needs to be made. More often than not, a compromise is reached through negotiations. However, today we will focus on compromise within intimate relationships.
Compromise is required because there are two individuals in a relationship, and both have their perspective on the same issue, which is right for them. Two individuals have come from unique past experiences, and have grown up with different parenting styles, so their perception of the same reality will be different.
There needs to be flexibility when engaging in both compromise and change, because we are all different, and relationships benefit more from having a more fluid outlook rather than being rigid and stuck in one’s thinking. If there is no openness or willingness, then the situation becomes rigid and stuck, and nothing can be resolved; neither party becomes satisfied. Being able to compromise means that both people in the relationship are heard and understood, and you come up with a solution that meets both needs. A solution that may not provide 100% of what you want, but… You are both happy with the final result, which makes you feel connected as a couple, and you are working as an equal team.
Here is an Example of what may be a Compromise in a Relationship
Imagine you have a difference of opinion on what time the kids go to bed, one of you believes that the kids should be in bed by a specific time, and the other feels it’s okay for them to stay up a little later….. and both of you…. have your reasons as to why you think this way. This probably comes from how you were parented; it’s what was modelled over time. We copy the behaviour because we don’t know any other way. But this is not always the case. At times, we can parent completely the opposite of how our parents parented us because we didn’t like the way they did it. anyway…
Couples who are unwilling to compromise can develop an argument very quickly. Voices become raised, and things become heightened very quickly. Name-calling may occur, or the conversation may proceed down what I call “the rabbit hole,” deflecting and bringing up old issues that are irrelevant, which causes more confusion and frustration. The original problem, which in this case is the kid’s bedtime, remains unresolved, and this may lead to a breakdown in the relationship, resulting in resentment towards your partner. I see many couples where one partner resents the other, and if this issue is not addressed quickly, it can escalate into contempt, which is a slippery slope.
Going back to the above example of the bedtime issue, imagine if both parents could express why they feel the way they do about bedtime, and both opinions are acknowledged. Understanding why the other feels that way, they can then compromise to come up with a solution that makes both happy.
The compromise part of this situation could sound something like this,
“ What if we put the kids to bed at 7 pm Monday to Thursday, and on the other days they can stay up a little later?”
The other partner may say
“That sounds good but how about we make it Sunday to Thursday as Sunday is a school day “ and they both agree with the solution.
This works if both parties agree and there are clear guidelines on how the process will proceed, such as specifying the days and times, informing the kids of what is expected of them, and ensuring that the parents adhere to their agreement. If they feel it needs to change then have a chat privately and make what alteration needs to occur…….this is where being flexible comes into play…. as all decisions are trial and error nothing is set in stone.
When we understand our partner’s needs by implementing effective communication skills, their needs can be met, and peacefulness and unity within the couple can develop and strengthen. We are all different, and I know I say this often. When we choose to be in a relationship, we need to compromise because there is a level of accountability to our partner that comes with being with them.
Practice and effort do make progress.
The Stages of Compromise are
Understand what you need and why you have the issue. The more precise you are about what you need, think, and feel, the clearer your partner will understand what you are saying. If you just become emotional about the situation without clarity, you won’t get what you need; it can become an unresolved mess.
Listen to each other’s ideas and reasons by being present and acknowledging your partner after they have spoken, regardless of whether you agree or not. This is your partner’s truth, and it always needs to be recognised. Once acknowledged, you switch. You can have your say, making sure that your partner has finished talking altogether before you share your perspective.
When you both have all the information on your thoughts regarding the situation, you can then come up with a solution that you are both happy with, and you are equally satisfied with the compromise. Suppose a decision is made without one of you being happy. In that case, the original issue may still become a problem at some point, which can lead to resentment and an unconscious attempt to sabotage the compromise.
The next step is crucial, and it involves having clarity on where, when, and how the solution will be implemented. I relate this process to running a business, where there is no set plan on how it’s going to be run. It will more than likely fizzle out, or building a house without any plans won’t happen. To make your dream a reality, it takes planning and time to determine where and how it will look. A good, solid house or business begins with a solid foundation; whatever is built upon that will have a better opportunity to withstand anything that comes its way, rain, hail, or shine. So, being clear at this point in the conversation and making sure you are both clear on the outcome is crucial.
Let’s discuss changing a bit.
Just as you need flexibility within compromise, this also needs to be applied to the idea of change. People can have a strong reaction when they are asked to change their behaviour.
Change is a part of life…. We all change every day because of circumstances, our environment, and experiences. The changes I am talking about are specific behaviours that may interfere with a partner’s needs not being met, and not about changing the essence of a person, but only certain behaviours. It’s not about wanting to change how our partner chooses to dress, how they laugh, or little quirky habits; these behaviours do not have a direct effect on the other person, so there is no need to change them. These behaviours may be just an annoyance, which has no direct impact. This is part of your partner’s personality, and acceptance may be a good option here. I always say, choose your battles. Our current state of feelings and emotions is determined by how we choose to look at a situation; it’s about perspective. Do not sweat the small stuff.
If the behaviour has a direct effect on the other partner, where their needs cannot be met, then change will need to occur so that both partners can feel happy and satisfied equally. An example of this is you like to drive fast, but it frightens your partner, and your partner asks you politely by giving you a reason, such as “Can you please slow down as it frightens me?”. Then you will need to slow down, as this does have a direct result on your partner’s wellbeing; it’s not the time to say it’s fine, I’m a good driver. Regardless of how good you think you are, your partner is frightened and needs to feel safe, so acknowledging them and slowing down would be the kind thing to do.
When communicating with your partner, it’s all in the way you ask them to change, and ensure the environment is suitable for this to happen, preferably, when you are both calm and ready to have this talk.
Most people generally struggle to communicate effectively, and if delivered with attitude, your partner may become defensive, feeling as though they are being attacked. Therefore, staying calm is key. Just a little pearl here. It is like meets like. If someone addresses you with a tone or in anger then you are more than likely going to respond a similar way.
Benefits of Compromise and Change
- Both parties feel satisfied with the resolution.
- Feelings of being essential and validated as an individual in the relationship
- Problems can be resolved quickly and easily by stopping the dysfunctional cycle of confrontation on the same subject.
- Both couples feel a greater connection and loving closeness
- Learning to be more open and expressive fosters greater understanding, both for yourself and your partner.
- Autonomy within the relationship
- More clarity and less conflict
- Happier and more satisfied when being heard and acknowledged
- Accepted for who you are
- Feelings of being important to your partner
- Learn who your partner is
- Embrace differences
- Develops deeper connection and intimacy
When you enter into a relationship, there is a level of responsibility to ensure your partner’s needs are met and that you are both happy. This involves being able to compromise and meet each other halfway, as well as being willing to change behaviours. This is a significant part of achieving happiness. This is having a mature approach to the relationship.
And you know, at times, you won’t get your needs met, because you can see your partner’s needs being met at this point are more needed than yours.
In my practice, I have heard people say many times that “I am stubborn” as if it’s something to be proud of and that it can’t be changed. Being stubborn is being rigid; to be stubborn is to insist on one’s way, saying no to others. If we can learn to recognise that we are all looking at the world through our own unique set of lenses, and instead of being stubborn, get curious about what our partner is feeling and saying, it’s incredible what we can learn when we approach each other with an attitude of openness.
Thank you for spending this time with me. I hope you’ve enjoyed this podcast on Compromise and Change in my Transforming Relationships podcast series.
The next podcast will be Pillar # 5: Common Goals and Direction.
My podcast is called Transform Relationships. If you want more help with Compromise & Change in Relationships, contact me or find out more about my online and in-person relationship counselling
