How Your Thoughts Affect The Quality Of Your Marriage

by Diane Rooker


The quality of your thoughts is responsible for the quality of your marriage and how to create a positive change.

In a previous blog, I spoke about how How the quality of your thoughts will affect self-esteem ( which is how you view yourself), and this flows onto many aspects of your life — this time I want to talk discuss is: The importance of understanding your thoughts and how they affect your marriage and how to make a few positive, conscious changes.

Initially, the only thing that needs to be done is being honest with yourself as to the quality of your marriage in its current state, without shame or blame for yourself or your partner.

Questions to reflect upon:

  • Are you happy? If not, then why?
  • Ask your partner if they are happy?
  • Are your needs being met?
  • Are you content?
  • Are you satisfied and loving your relationship? Are you just putting up with things for now until the kids get old enough so you can finally leave?

Make A Choice To Do Things Differently

After you have taken some time to reflect on the quality of your happiness within the relationship, the next thing to do to is to make a choice, to make a conscious choice to do things differently.

“Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result is the definition of insanity.”

“Pearls don’t lie on the seashore if you want one you must dive for it.”

It takes two to tango; I’m sure you have heard that before, and if your relationship is not a happy one, then both partners need to reflect on the part that they have played, acknowledge it and take responsibility to change it.

Thoughts That Could Be Creating An Unhappy Marriage

Let’s look at some of the thoughts that could be creating an unhappy marriage and why.
We as humans find it easier to see the negative in a person, and this easily overshadows the goodness they also have.
You may only be aware when the dishes are not done, or they didn’t ask you how you are, or they didn’t leave the light on for you, or they didn’t ask you if you wanted something when they went to the shops, or we compare our partner to other partners.

Let’s take a closer look at how humans function.
We are meaning-making machines, we make meaning of what we see, feel, hear etc., and if we make meaning about our partner’s behaviour negatively, then we may think that they don’t care, or I’m not valued worthy enough. You see making meaning is making up a story, he or she is this etc., then we become stuck in that cycle of thinking and become annoyed and angry at the other based on our meaning (our story), and we make assumptions.
This way of creating distance between the couple, the partner who makes a negative meaning may not even be able to tell their partner that they feel unimportant when specific actions have been taken.

We all come from different backgrounds and experiences, so of course, we are all going to make our unique meaning about certain situations, and we believe them to be 100 % correct. How a child was raised the environment that experienced will have a direct effect on how they think about themselves and others in the world, what belief systems are unconsciously playing out and when I say unconscious I mean that 90 % of your day you are on autopilot, your unconscious is the driver and they don’t even realise what is going on .
That’s a bit concerning.

How To Make A Change

How to make a change by being aware of what your thoughts are when you are feeling upset, unhappy etc:

  • Were they negative thoughts?
  • Were they necessary?
  • Were they true?
  • Were they fair and kind?
  • Could it of been said another way?

It’s easy to get into the habit to create a pattern of being negative and what we give attention to it will grow, it’s like a garden if we water and feed it it will grow and if we don’t it cant thrive. If you can consider your marriage to be a garden is the food you are providing creating beautiful flowers or weeds. We also like things to be the same, we are creatures of habit, so we can be comfortable in our dysfunctional relationships, we have become so disconnected from each other and ourselves that the only way we can connect is through, thought violence whether you are negative out loud to the other or in your mind it is still causing a rift between you both. The longer that disconnection is present, the more difficult it can be to come together once again.

  • Consciously choose the quality of the relationship you want to be in.
  • Become aware of your thoughts.
  • Tell your partner if you feel unloved and let them know how you would like to be treated and thought of, they can’t help you unless you let them know.

Communication is the key to having a satisfying relationship; it’s imperative in all relationships to tell the other what and how you are feeling. Remember you are not the two people who married all those many years ago you have both grown and changed, the goalposts have moved without discussion, so how can you shoot for the same thing?

Counselling helps couples or individuals and will support to understand thoughts and create change. It helps with letting go of childhood conditioning and trauma and learn how to communicate effectively with yourself first and then your partner.

” Beneath every fear lies the pearl of hope.”

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