The quality of your thoughts is responsible for the quality of your marriage. Learn how to create positive change.
In a previous blog, I discussed how the quality of your thoughts affects self-esteem (how you view yourself), which affects many aspects of your life. This time, I want to discuss the importance of understanding your thoughts, how they affect your marriage and how to make a few positive, conscious changes.
Initially, be honest with yourself about the quality of your marriage in its current state, without shame or blame for yourself or your partner.
Questions to reflect upon:
- Are you happy? If not, then why?
- Ask your partner if they are happy.
- Are your needs being met?
- Are you content?
- Are you satisfied with and loving your relationship? Are you just putting up with things for now until the kids get old enough so you can finally leave?
Make A Choice To Do Things Differently
After spending some time reflecting on the quality of your happiness in the relationship, the next step is to consciously choose to change what is not working.
“Doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different result is the definition of insanity.”
Einstein.
“Pearls don’t lie on the seashore. If you want one, you must dive for it.”
It takes two to tango—I’m sure you have heard that before. If your relationship is unhappy, both partners need to reflect on their roles, acknowledge them, and take responsibility for changing them.
Thoughts That Could Be Creating An Unhappy Marriage
Let’s examine some thoughts that can lead to an unhappy marriage and explore their underlying causes.
As humans, we tend to focus on the negative aspects of a person, which can easily overshadow the goodness they possess.
You may only be aware when the dishes are not done, or they didn’t ask you how you are, or they didn’t leave the light on for you, or they didn’t ask you if you wanted something when they went to the shops, or we compare our partner to other partners.
Let’s take a closer look at how humans function.
We’re meaning-making machines; we create meaning from what we see, feel, hear, and so on. If we interpret our partner’s behaviour negatively, we may conclude that they don’t care or that we’re not worthy enough. You see, making meaning involves creating a story about someone, such as ‘he or she is this,’ and then we become stuck in that cycle of thinking, becoming annoyed and angry at the other based on our interpretation (our story), and we make assumptions.
This creates distance between the couple, and the partner with a negative meaning may not even be able to tell their partner that they feel unimportant when specific actions have been taken.
We all come from different backgrounds and experiences, so, of course, we will all make our unique meanings about certain situations and believe them to be 100% correct. How children have been raised in the environment that they experienced will have a direct effect on how they think about themselves and others in the world, what belief systems are unconsciously playing out and when I say unconscious, I mean that 90 % of your day you are on autopilot, your unconscious is the driver. They don’t even realise what is going on.
That’s a bit concerning.
How To Make A Change
How to make a change by being aware of what your thoughts are when you are feeling upset, unhappy etc.
- Were they negative thoughts?
- Were they necessary?
- Were they true?
- Were they fair and kind?
- Could it have been said another way?
It’s easy to fall into the habit of being negative. What we give attention to will grow. It’s like a garden: If we water and feed it, it will grow, and if we don’t, it won’t thrive. If you consider your marriage a garden, it is the food you provide that determines whether it produces beautiful flowers or weeds.
We also like things to be the same. We are creatures of habit, so we can be comfortable in dysfunctional relationships. We have become so disconnected from each other and ourselves that the only way we can connect is through thought violence. Whether you express negativity out loud to the other or keep it in your mind, it still causes a rift between you. The longer the disconnection persists, the more difficult it becomes to reunite.
- Consciously choose the quality of the relationship you want to be in.
- Become aware of your thoughts.
- Tell your partner if you feel unloved and how you would like to be treated and thought of. They can’t help you unless you let them know.
Communication is the key to a satisfying relationship; clearly expressing what and how you feel to the other person is imperative. Remember, you are not the two people who married all those many years ago. You have grown and changed, and the goalposts have moved without discussion. So, how can you shoot for the same thing?
Counselling helps couples and individuals understand their thoughts and create change. It helps with letting go of childhood conditioning and trauma, and learning how to communicate effectively with yourself first and then with your partner.
” Beneath every fear lies the pearl of hope.”
