Valentine’s Day has just been and gone, and I hope it was a nice day for you loved-up couples out there. Unfortunately, the couples that I see are not in a great place as a couple. Instead of sharing love and affection, they may share harsh and painful words or there is no communication, their way of connecting is via confrontation, aggression creating negative energy. You may be thinking that I am being a negative Nelly, and that may be the case if you are in the top few % leading a functional and happy relationship with your intimate partner. However, as a couples/relationship expert, unfortunately, I know this is not the case for most couples.
Even though I have categorised these types of relationships, I will always assess a couple’s relationship and meet them where they are. Although couples may have had many similar experiences, their journey has been alone, and I will always meet them where they are and their needs.
There are clients I won’t work with, but not many. A definite criterion for me to agree to work with you is that you want to create change within yourself and be able to take responsibility for the part you played in the relationship breakdown. As the saying goes, “It takes two to tango.”
Let’s look at the different types of couples.
1. Happy and Satisfied. – On the same team, working effectively together
The happy and satisfied couple. They don’t argue (mostly). They communicate and express their needs effectively. They are heard, and they devise a plan to resolve any issues. This couple knows how to speak the same language. They know how to listen and can make compromises
This couple is in the minority.
How can Counselling support this couple.?
This couple has more than had very positive role models growing up, who showed them how to have a healthy relationship. They have also done a lot of personal development or both.
For this couple, counselling would be ensuring that they are on the same track together and are both aware of this. After establishing this, we would look at ways to further complement their relationship. For this couple, checking in possibly once per annum to see if they are on track with each other and that there isn’t anything that is being left unresolved that could be festering beneath the surface. When things are going well in the relationship, people keep quiet if something is bothering or of concern to them. Still, if it is important, this is the exact time to find your voice and trust that the relationship is healthy enough to support your needs. Counselling can also provide further tools and ideas in how to enrich their relationship further, individual work may also be a benefit as we are constantly changing because of our environment.
2. Unhappy and Dissatisfied – On the same team, not working ineffectively together.
This couple is on the same team; they care for each other, speak a completely different language, and don’t understand themselves or their partner. This results in unmet needs, and over time, this translates into a lot of pain. This couple connects on a surface level. 1st partner: “How was your day?” 2nd partner: “Good”. They are often angry and frustrated, this is not what they signed up for, they feel stuck and are together because of the kids or financial reasons. They don’t have a fulfilling sex life, that’s if they are being intimate at all. In most cases, they haven’t had sex or affection for years, which is sad.
This couple is in the majority.
How can Counselling support this couple.?
This couple may have a few unresolved core issues historically, either in childhood or as a teen. They have not been able to resolve these issues at a core level. This couple is the majority of my clientele. They are unhappy, frustrated, feeling unloved and unimportant; everyone else is more important. They feel trapped, they want to have a better relationship but don’t know-how. I would recommend the marriage/relationship package for this couple, as there is no quick fix for issues that have taken years to form.
3. Unhappy and toxic – not on the same team
This is a couple who live in a very toxic relationship. Their only form of connection is via violence, either verbally or physically. It would be very sad if there were children who witnessed this behaviour. This couple has got many unresolved individual issues. Their relationship is dysfunctional. They don’t understand their partner and likely don’t understand themselves.
How can Counselling support this couple.?
This couple needs to work hard for the relationship to become a functional one. But sadly because there has been so much violence there is no chance of reconciliation, there is just too much hurt to overcome and the best option not only for the couple but also for the children would be to separate and the couple involved may need to take some time to themselves and do some personal counselling.
Counselling for couples is always useful; I’m happy to chat with you and your partner about your situation and how marriage/couples counselling may support you.
https://pearlcounsellingandparenting.com.au/marriage-counselling/
